Today has been a struggle. It's been building for a few weeks. But today I understand.
Many years ago I suffered a bout of depression - triggered by two very stressful scenarios / events. Learning my Dad was terminally ill and being bullied at work.
I always thought I was strong. I was bringing up two kids, working full-time and looking after a largish house and garden - and a great dane. It was hard work. But I thought I thrived on it at the time. I managed to decorate, cut 20 foot high hedges, clean, do the ironing, get kids to classes and walk the dog. My husband worked long hours too and we managed to tick along ok.
I guess that's all fine until something tips you off balance.
That was all a very long time ago. Since then I have fought anxiety and panic attacks. But never sunk into a depression.
My life has changed hugely. A downsized house, downsized dog (well...two dogs), downsized hedge, bigger kids (they grew up) and a new hubby (the old one is still a good friend).
I am happy and loved. Life is good.
But - over the last few weeks I have been finding it hard to motivate myself. I always manage fine when I am working - my commitment drives me. But at home - things are different. I sleep too much. But struggle to get to sleep at night. I don't want to do anything. And need to give myself something to look forward to (hence the January holiday).
Today was awful. I won't go into details. But I realised - this is normal for me. For this time of year. Today I have felt the lowest I have felt for years. I wanted things to end. To stop.
Fortunately I have a lot of support at home. Whilst he might not understand completely - he recognises that I am not in complete control. And he makes a mean coffee and pizza (sorry I let it go cold).
Recognising the problem is a start. I have considered it in the past but brushed it off. This time I think I should accept that winter is a tough time mentally.
It hasn't helped that for the past two years I have finished a contract in December / January. I think if I had work to get up for every day I would be more motivated to get up out of bed. I need to make a note - try and avoid a winter contract finish date!
I am trying to hit this thing head on. I have made a list of things I NEED to achieve tomorrow. I will set an alarm. I will get up out of bed early. And I will tick some of those things off.
And I will attempt to do some packing and organising for our Norway trip.
I can. I will.