It's been one hell of a week.
We started off in a cottage in Grizedale - not far from Hawkshead. One of our favourite, relaxing spots. Down a private road with no passing tourist traffic (apart from the occasional cyclist who can't read).
On Monday I had a message from my Joe saying he had gone to A&E with chest pains. Then another, early in the afternoon, to say he was fine and had been sent home.
I decided that as my nerves were already frayed - I might has well just completely sever them. So I booked Jess and myself onto the last Grizedale Go Ape session of the day.
I am terrified of heights.
But I decided that I can do that 'mind over matter thing'. I just needed to get a grip and do something out of my comfort zone.
But by the time I had climbed the first rope ladder, crossed from one tree to the next and had my feet firmly on the tiny tree platform...I wondered what the bloody hell I had been thinking. Someone get me down from here now.
That same man then stayed just ahead of me and Jess for the rest of the TWO HOURS in the trees. TWO FUCKING HOURS.
Two hours that included two of the scariest zip wires I have ever seen - from the ground. Never mind from a tiny platform at the top of a tree. And yet again...there is no going back. So you just sit into your harness and go. Like the bloody clappers. But DO NOT LOOK DOWN. I know that now. Do not look down if you're scared of heights. It ruined my imagined 'I'm really just in a fast car with the wind blowing in my hair' scenario.
To cut a long story short - we both did it. We survived. We got a certificate.
Then both had the worst nights sleep ever. With recurring nightmares of:
Then it was Tuesday.
I awoke to a terrifying series of messages showing on my phone screen.
Panic always makes me drop things. And I suddenly have 9 big toes for fingers (or ten..yep ten big toes) - with someone else's fingerprints so my phone won't unlock.
After several minutes of blind panic I finally got the basic message. And rang my ex.
Joe was at that moment in an ambulance on the way back to hospital - with signs of a heart attack.. I could hear the sirens. Of all the horrible moments I've had in my life so far - this one was up there (somewhere near that first tree platform...a few feet above that).
To cut another long story short. Jess and I ran around panicking. Trying to get dressed. It's not funny - but why do knickers always go on backwards when you're upset and frightened?
I drove us straight to the hospital. And we headed straight to Resus. And there he was. My 22-year old baby boy. Looking like he's on the set of Grey's Anatomy. Just the right length of stubble, perfect quiff and olive tan. I, however, looked like shit.
But despite his looks - he was frightened and hooked up to bleeping machines.
And that is how he still is today - Thursday. Frightened. Constantly monitored. Putting a brave and good looking face on.
We don't have answers yet. But we need them desperately. From someone qualified to tell us.
In the meantime - Joe will be pleased to know that I have remembered to find something that will pass as slippers. I just need to remember to bring them in the morning.
Love you Joe (i.e. don't shout if I forget again!)
Today's photos should be no surprise...
Jess and me in a tree and my boy (he wanted a Mum selfie)...